I'm sick as fuck at the moment (who the FUCK gets a flu in Summer??!) but I had to take some time out to tell you about this awesome new product. You know it's awesome because it featured on the internationally syndicated show THE DOCTORS. Has anyone ever seen that fucking show?? It's retarded. These four smiley doctors sit there and discuss all the fucked up shit house wives seem to have going on with their bits and pieces. I was watching it once and this lady rang up, with her full name and face and everything asking if it was all good to have sex on her period. As if you would do that! Google it! Why tell the world you're some horny old freaky deeky that can't wait a couple days to get her fuck on with her date from e-harmony. JESUS! Old women are fucking nuts. Seriously. So many old women have STDs it's out of hand. At least 2 of my mum's friends have herpes! But that's another story (and you didn't hear that from me by the way). But anyway the new thing 'women of a certain age' are going bananas over like it's an encore season of Mcleod's Daughters is this thing called 'My New Pink Button,' ehhh? What's that you ask?

It's dye for your labia to bring it back to it's once former glory of pinkness. That's right, apparently as you get older your puss fades or some shit. We wouldn't generally be aware of this aside from the fact that old tarts these days wanna be hot cougars and compete with 19 year olds and get brazilian waxes. Well that back fired on ya didn't it! All it reveled was your withered old puss. I don't know (and frankly don't wanna know) what a puss looks like if it's not the colour it's supposed to be but I'm imagining something like when ET gets lost and falls down that ditch and is all pale and fucked. And that's where My New Pink Button comes into play.

Firstly can I just say how repulsive that name is, don't try and cuten it up, and that pin up girl branding. WTF! Don't make it seem like it's some cute body dust or some shit, this is some X-rated smut for old birds who quite frankly should have more important shit to be worrying about than the vibrancy of their inner labia. And the colours are called Marilyn, Audrey, Ginger and Bettie. You know, because nothing says old Hollywood glam like crouching over a mirror with some cotton buds and a vial of fuck knows what. But hey, why hate, let's listen to some testimonials...

This is great! I used it last night and it totally works and is easy to use. It evened out my pink colors with the darker spots and gave it a better look. I will buy again.

-Lena A. 44 years old

Ummm, evened out? Holy shit.

I was embarrassed about the color change for years and my doctor said there was nothing you could do about it. I was too embarrassed to even discuss it with my friends, and when I finally did I found out I wasn’t alone. We love this product, and it works! Thank you so much.

-Rochelle C. 51 years old

51? Doesn't it hurt your back to bend over and look at your vag?

Finally!  I have been living with the embarrassment of color loss for years now. As an older- single (divorced) woman I feel a little more confident with the lights on!

-Linda M. 61 years old

WOAH! Linda, you are a dirty bird. 61! I wonder if they offer a seniors discount. I love the fact she had to mention she was divorced. Like I HAVE been married. I'm not some old spinster!

Ah well, it just goes to show, there's no fool like an old fool. I find it deeply depressing there is demand for this product. Women really are a bunch of tards at times. There's also another brand which offers a tablet for your vag that makes your 'fluids' flavoured for your partner. Shakes head.

Oh and I'm back...