You can pretend that Valentine’s Day is a ‘load of crap and that you don’t care if you don’t get anything because like Christmas and Easter, February 14th has become just another Hallmark holiday and that you should be attentive and loving to your partner every day of the year not just the one day when it’s expected’…but seriously, fuck me if I don’t get at least a card. Flowers, chocolates, sexy lingerie, wine and perfume will also be accepted.

We’re all adults here (I hope – if you’re under 16 you’re too young to be exposed to the hideousness of ‘My New Pink Button’. Actually, come to think about it, if you’re under 65 you’re too young…). I’m just gonna come out and say it. I love sex. Being single again has given me a great opportunity – not to go out and fornicate relentlessly with anonymous strangers (not that there’s anything wrong with that, as long as you play it safe) – but to explore the wonderful world of sex toys. Stimulation/penetration/manipulation – there’s bound to be something out there that will literally ‘tickle your fancy’.

I bought one of those infamous rabbit vibrators a few years ago. Don’t believe the hype. It was good, but not the mind-blowing-clitoris-exploding amazing I’d expect after paying close to $300 for a battery-operated piece of plastic. Since then I’ve been the owner of a number of vibrators/dildos…real-looking ones, ridiculous looking ones, waterproof ones, the list goes on. Nothing is quite as empowering as being able to get yourself off whenever and wherever you like (within reason, I’m not going to have an orgasm at the supermarket check out, although if you do happen to see me writing in ecstasy as I pay for my groceries,  I probably forgot to take out my bullet). I also love the fact that I can use them solo or with someone else, they don’t get tired (if you have spare batteries) and they let you live out your kinkiest fantasies with no amount of hesitation.

I have a few female friends who have never had the pleasure of owning a vibrator. This shocks and saddens me. Ladies, do yourself a favour and visit Madame Rouge or Honey Birdette now. They’ll ship directly and discreetly to your door so that not even the postie will know that inside your package is a 10″ monster with a motor.

Anyway, the point of this is that masturbation rules and everyone should do it more often. It helps you to learn what you like and I’ve never had a partner who didn’t like to watch. Go forth and touch yourself!

I recently went through what could be called a fairly amicable break-up. After four years together, we decided it wasn’t really heading anywhere and rather than pretend that everything was fine and stay in an unfulfilling, mediocre relationship for another 50 years, we went our seperate ways. Just because it was a mutual decision doesn’t mean it still wasn’t soul-crushing and heart-breaking, but sometimes, to quote a really lame cliche, things have to get worse before they get better.

It’s been almost a month now, and I’m starting to see the upside to being single again. Well, asides from living back at my parents’ place (temporarily). I can make out with whoever I desire, I can eat/drink/do whatever I want whenever I want to, I can be a mega-flirt and not feel guilty, I don’t have to compromise for anyone else, I can re-assess my life goals and where I’m headed and what I want to be when I grow up, coz you know, sometimes those things get a little lost when you’re in a relationship. I’m stoked in the knowledge that one day I will meet that person who share the same wants and desires as me. It’s pretty exciting.

As an afterthought,  I’d just like to say that I don’t need a man to make me happy (did I really just quote the PCD? Someone shoot me now), or a woman for that matter, but I do love the idea of eventually getting married and having babies with someone I love, trust and respect.

If you feel like you are stuck in a relationship rut, these are some funny and insightful books that helped me clarify my thoughts and provided me with some much-needed laughs:

Textbook Romance by Zoe Foster and Hamish Blake

It’s Called A Breakup Because it’s Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira-Ruotola Behrendt

The  Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Break-Up by Delphine Hersh.

I also recommend frequent lady hangs, gin & tonics, music, repeat episodes of your favourite TV shows and running (these recommendations can be combined for your convenience). Avoiding all communication with the ex is a biggie too. It’s hard at first but it will help you move on a lot quicker. If you are so inclined, getting drunk, partying and ‘pashing randoms’ like you’re 19 again may also help.

Dolly Doctor eat your heart out.

* Getting drunk
* Smoking
* Getting drunk and smoking
* Eating hot cinnamon donuts
* Drinking Coke
* Cracking knuckles
* Cheeseburgers (well, vegeburgers for me – CC I know you feel this!)
* Spending an entire pay on one item of clothing
* Using a credit card
* Keeping/telling secrets
* Bitching
* Scratching itchy bites
* Reading trashy magazines
* Lusting after bad boys
* Spending too much time on the internet

In saying that though, I’m all about enjoying life, and if enjoying life means indulging in the odd grease-laden, carbohydrate-ridden, artery clogging but DELICIOUS, TASTY AND SATISFYING burger, then so be it. I’ll hit the gym later. Then probably have a gin and tonic. 

Not to be confused with the early 90s R&B girl group SWV, although it wouldn’t be unheard of to make a post about them here on Mayorettes.
No, I’m talking about style biters. Copy cats. Single White Female shiz. You know the type. You meet a girl (or a guy), maybe they’re a friend of a friend, a new work colleague, or someone from uni (hypothetically, of course). They seem nice enough but you do notice that their style is pretty nondescript, perhaps even daggy. You also notice that they compliment you A LOT. Like kind of annoyingly – ‘I love your earrings!’, ‘Where did you get that watch? I love it!’ ‘Oh I love your shoes!’. At first you think maybe they’re just trying to be nice, after all, you have just met and compliments are a great ice-breaker. But the next time you see them, they happen to be wearing an item of clothing or jewellery that looks suspiciously like something you wore last time you met. Then you notice their hair is starting to look more and more like yours. And their outfits. And the music they listen to. And the guys (or girls) they date…and so it goes until this person has gone the full Jennifer Jason Leigh on you.

This was a pretty common occurrence during the old school days – that dorky person who was always just on the fringe of the group, who stated copying everything you did until they eventually pushed you to the outer edge! And it was you who they were emulating in the first place! It always used to bug me when my parents or teachers would say something like ‘you should be flattered that you’re such a trendsetter!’. Yeah, maybe I should be, but you know what? It’s hard work to be stylish! It takes years of bad choices to attain a certain level of, for lack of a better word, ‘pizzazz’. Yeah, I just used the word pizzazz in a sentence. It looks like pizza. Mmm, pizza…                                                  

Anyway, back to my story. I know in a world of trillions of people that I’m hardly an individual, but I’d like to think that there are enough different kinds of interests out there that I can create my own unique blend of these. Oh, by the way, I’m not talking about good friends that you have these things in common with already, or cool chicks that you meet who share the same interests and tastes, but those freaky people who when you first meet them are completely different to who they are when you meet them next time because they’ve been stalking you on Facebook and stealing all your best material.

Style biters, get bit!

* For the record, The Mayorettes are totally the kind of girls to whom this would happen to all the time. And here’s some SWV since I know you have this stuck in your head now.