Author Archives: Josey Rebelle

For Community College

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on July 20, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 2 Comments.

hello-kitty-taserHello Kitty Taser Gun

Going to work tomorrow is going to be FUN TIMES!

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on June 10, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 3 Comments.

tube-train_psd

So there’s a tube strike on in London for the next two days which means that it will take me, oh I don’t know, A HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND HOURS? to get to work tomorrow.

It’s true what they say: you just don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. I already miss the tube. I hope all the trains have a nice little rest and catch up with all with all their friends at the depot that they normally never get a chance to speak to. I hope they come back clean and, more importantly,  HAPPY.

I’ve written a little song about it. Enjoy.

 

Underground, Underground

(Composed by J.Rebelle. Originally written for Barbara Streisand) Read More »

Well, well, well…look what the cat dragged in.

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on May 21, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged , . 3 Comments.

Hi. Sorry I’m late.

So, great news: it was my birthday this week and I am now THIRTY YEARS OLD! Hayley told me that I’m too old to be a Mayorette now. Her exact words were “Fuck off and die, you prune-faced old bitch”. But I’m not gonna let her tell ME what to do! I’m a woman now!

You’re probably thinking, “Tell us what it’s like to be 30, oh wise one!” Well, I can reveal that it’s great fun. You get to just lie in bed and touch yourself and stuff. After that you eat all day and then fall asleep in your own vomit. Then you hang around pet shops watching snakes shed their skins. Later you might head downtown and warm your hands round one of those fires that tramps hang around in New York. After a few hours of that, you eat your own toenails while watching donkey porn. Then you fall asleep in your own cum. It really is so much fun, I mean my words don’t really do it justice. You’ll love it.

Here’s my birthday cake. That blind chick from Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ video made it for me.

oprah_cake

She thinks all black people are called ‘Oprah’. I didn’t think it was a good time to break the news to her that she herself is actually black, not white Albanian like her poor old ma told her.

Shit Things on the Internet – Episode 1

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 30, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . Comments Off.

While it is universally acknowledged that the interweb can be a veritable source of hilarity, it must also be  admitted that there is so much fucking shit on there that is meant to be funny but really is just not fucking funny at all.

You are thinking: “Like Josey Rebelle’s blogs”

I am thinking: “Perhaps, but more like this ‘hilarious’ spoof motivational poster” >>>

09-government

And to add insult to injury, they typed their stupid dry and unfunny joke in navy on a black background. 

OH GOD, HELP ME! This kind of stuff just makes me want to vomit into a beaker and then pour it all over my face while pigeons fly towards me to feast on the remnants of my undigested sweetcorn and pepperoni.

A message to all my enemies

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 27, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 3 Comments.

sealI haven’t really got any enemies, but if I did this deadly seal of doom would have those fools QUAKING IN THEIR BOOTS!

You can take the girl out of the hood…

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 26, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 1 Comment.

anistonhood

…but you can’t take the hood out of the girl and that’s why I 

L

O

MOTHERFUCKING V

E

this coat Jennifer Aniston’s rocking with a hood so big you could fit two grannies, their shopping trollies and a week’s worth of soiled incontinence pads inside! Yeah!

By the way, the title of this post makes it look as though I have moved out of the hood, in some kind of rags to riches fashion. I can assure you that I am still very much in the hood and, judging by my bank balance, will continue to be there for a long time. A VERY long time. And even if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would still stay there every other Wednesday! VIVA LA HOOD! =)

Oh, to be a rich man with big feet!

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 19, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . Comments Off.

airmax95Just looking at the Air Max 95 makes me feel all gooey inside. They’re the kicks I was rocking before I started uni, when I got my first job and had cash (more than I actually have now which is somewhat confusing and equally depressing). They made me feel happy, secure, a few centimetres taller. I had more bounce, more kudos, more pizzazz. I was hot and boy did I know it. 

Then it all went wrong. So very, very wrong. I won’t go into too much detail except to say that Ann Summers Rampant Rabbit Thrusters are THE BEST THING EVER.

Anyway, I want to buy a new pair of 95s but (a) I REEEEEAAL BROKE, and (b) they never come in my flipping size! So annoying!

But, rest assured, if I get deperate, I can always fall back on these sexpots for only $59.99!

sesameGROSS.

Damn, she ain’t even dead yet!

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 19, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 2 Comments.

Do you guys know about Jade Goody? The 27 year old reality TV star who found out she had cervical cancer on Indian Big Brother last year and now only has ‘days’ to live?

Well THIS ain’t gonna make her feel any better is it?

jade

I know she likes a bit of publicity and all but DAMN! How the fuck can you sleep at night knowing you just published a tribute magazine for a person who isn’t even dead JUST so you could get ahead of your competitors? And you’ve got her ‘final words’? She hasn’t fucking spoken them yet you cocksucking morons! What a bunch of Class A Cunts.

So Jacko emails me…

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on March 10, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 2 Comments.
Above: Community College finally settles on her tattoo design

Above: Community College finally settles on her tattoo design

You know, Michael Jackson, right?

Well, actually, the email was from the Michael Jackson fan club. Some crazy fraud must have signed me up for it. The cheek! The King of Pop and ‘Artist of the Millennium’ (do you remember that shit? How embarrassing!) is gonna be doing a series of concerts in London this summer and everyone is creaming their pants about it. The bookings website is receiving 16,000 visits a second.

SOME OF THESE PEOPLE TURNED THEIR BACK ON HIM DURING THE TRIAL.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with my in-depth knowledge of psychological profiling. The fact is he’s gonna be in concert but will he be any good? Will he be able to moonwalk on his own or will he have to be positioned on a treadmill that is invisible to the eyes of the audience? Will he be able to do that leaning over thing from Smooth Criminal that he never really did in the first place? Can he still wear thick socks and loafers or will his feet be all swollen like old men at the bus stop?

So many questions!

This is how much money I have. Really.

Written by Josey Rebelle. Posted on February 26, 2009. Filed under Uncategorized. Tagged . 6 Comments.

tuppence1

I know like EVERYONE is poor, but I really do think I deserve more sympathy than most because I am a good person and I have had a Catholic confirmation and I always sit near crazy people on the train to prove to everyone that, hey, crazy people are still PEOPLE! and I have never stolen anything and I cried when Geppeto gave Pinocchio his coat and it’s just not fair that someone with such respectable virtues should now have to live like a tramp who can’t even afford a portion of chips from the greek chip shop owner who always looks at the black girls’ bums when he reckons no-one’s looking.