Tag Archives: oh god

Hi. Sorry I’m late.

So, great news: it was my birthday this week and I am now THIRTY YEARS OLD! Hayley told me that I’m too old to be a Mayorette now. Her exact words were “Fuck off and die, you prune-faced old bitch”. But I’m not gonna let her tell ME what to do! I’m a woman now!

You’re probably thinking, “Tell us what it’s like to be 30, oh wise one!” Well, I can reveal that it’s great fun. You get to just lie in bed and touch yourself and stuff. After that you eat all day and then fall asleep in your own vomit. Then you hang around pet shops watching snakes shed their skins. Later you might head downtown and warm your hands round one of those fires that tramps hang around in New York. After a few hours of that, you eat your own toenails while watching donkey porn. Then you fall asleep in your own cum. It really is so much fun, I mean my words don’t really do it justice. You’ll love it.

Here’s my birthday cake. That blind chick from Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ video made it for me.

She thinks all black people are called ‘Oprah’. I didn’t think it was a good time to break the news to her that she herself is actually black, not white Albanian like her poor old ma told her.